Hey,
Again apologies for disappearing for weeks.
The past month has just been the same old bullshit of eating normally, then starving, then binging. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
But I just can't live like this anymore. The start of the new year has freaked the fuck out of me. I spent all of last year absolutely disgustingly fat, and I absolutely refuse to do that again this year.
I fasted all of Sunday, and have decided to go old school and redo the ABC diet that I always idolised when I was 16. I just need to do something, anything, to get my control and restriction back in my life. And nothing like a super controlled, super low calorie, 2 month diet plan to kick-start it all off.
Day 1 today and I've had a small sushi pack (145 cals) and a bottle of pink lemonade lucazade (200 cals) because I couldn't be bothered to face food. I'm planning to have a tin of carrot and coriander soup (120 cals) later on.
Which still leaves me 35 cals under the first day's goal. Though I've probably had that in the chewing gum and glasses of sugar free squash I've not been keeping track of.
I feels nice to have a plan again, to know exactly what I'm doing every day and what I'm allowed.
I just need to keep my control and remember everything I have to gain from losing weight, and how much I have to lose if I keep on in this binging/starving/normal eating cycle.
I met my ex again last night, he just met me for a cigarette when I finished work and because of how gross the rain was we ended up at his. And yeah we ended up sleeping together; he's such an arsehole. If he cheats on his current girlfriend (the one he broke up with me for, who he claims to love) then what the hell was he doing when he was with me? We weren't together long and I know he cheated on me at least once in that time. I have no idea why I still speak to him; why I'm still letting him use me for sex after he cheated on me, and then broke up with me a week after he begged me for forgiveness and told me how much he didn't want to lose me? He's so full of shit.
I need to lose weight so that I can be worthy of someone better. Everyone I've been involved with in the past year has been a complete dick. I clearly am not worth anyone decent. Not yet. But I will be.
How has everyone been? I'll try and catch up on your blogs later tonight.
xx
