Christmas was disgusting.
I was so hungover; 10 beers and 4 gin cocktails were not the planned drinks I went out for.
Was feeling too ill to eat much of the Christmas lunch, but that didn't stop me stuffing my face later in the day when my stomach settled somewhat.
I'm terrified to weigh myself, I feel as though I must have gained about 10 lbs in the past week of mindless eating.
I can barely stand to look at myself anymore, I'm hideous and I need to sort my life out. My sister is home for Christmas and she's lost loads of weight. I used to be smaller than her, but now she's so much smaller and it makes me so angry. I literally can't stand being near her anymore.
This past week has made me realise how alone I am. I've stopped making the effort to keep speaking to my ex (the one who is cheating on his current girlfriend with me); he's clearly been too busy with her to even care. I saw a snapchat of them together on Christmas day, looking happy.
Maybe he can be happy with her, maybe he does actually care about her despite constantly cheating on her. Either way he clearly couldn't care less about me and my feelings, so I need to move on and stop going back to him every time he wants to use me.
I just want to matter to someone, I miss the closeness and having someone there to keep my mind from spiraling into darkness at night. I guess once I've lost weight I can worthy of someone's time and attention again. Maybe. Or maybe I'm just a terrible person who is destined to be alone forever..
Saturday 26 December 2015
Thursday 24 December 2015
Christmas Eve
Hello everyone,
Sorry I disappeared for a month. My motivation and dedication just isn't as strong as it used to be, I feel like such a failure.
This morning I weighed in at 1 lb heavier than I was a month ago, so my 1 month challenge was a complete and utter failure.
The only good thing that has happened to me all month was meeting my beautiful best friend, who I met through blogging years ago, when I used to actually be a success and lose weight while I blogged. Unlike the fat, disgusting, lazy failure I've become now.
Was so wonderful to see her, spending the day getting drunk in London, without even having to think about food the whole time we were there because we could keep each other strong.
Love you so much darling, I wish we lived closer so every day could be as wonderful as Monday was.
1 week until 2016, and I've lost only about 20 lbs all year. That sounds like a substantial amount, but my BMI is still pushing into the overweight range, it's not an achievement, just me not being quite as obese as I was.
I need to lose another 40 lbs before I can even begin to feel happy with my weight again, I just live my whole life trying to hide away because I'm so embarrassed by what I've become.
New Year Resolution: become vegan again.
I was vegan for a few months back when I was in sixth form (well vegan except for binge food which I purged; I was so bad with binges that I broke a lifetime of vegetarianism in a binge/purge of a chicken wrap because it was just there and I couldn't stop eating).
But it did help me with cravings and snacking. It made me stop and reconsider everything that I ate: check the ingredients, check the calories. Can I eat it? Probably not, Do I need to eat it? Definitely not.
I need that control and strength back in my life.
I need to lose weight.
Hope everyone is doing well and are happy.
Do you guys have any resolutions for the new year?
Sorry I disappeared for a month. My motivation and dedication just isn't as strong as it used to be, I feel like such a failure.
This morning I weighed in at 1 lb heavier than I was a month ago, so my 1 month challenge was a complete and utter failure.
The only good thing that has happened to me all month was meeting my beautiful best friend, who I met through blogging years ago, when I used to actually be a success and lose weight while I blogged. Unlike the fat, disgusting, lazy failure I've become now.
Was so wonderful to see her, spending the day getting drunk in London, without even having to think about food the whole time we were there because we could keep each other strong.
Love you so much darling, I wish we lived closer so every day could be as wonderful as Monday was.
1 week until 2016, and I've lost only about 20 lbs all year. That sounds like a substantial amount, but my BMI is still pushing into the overweight range, it's not an achievement, just me not being quite as obese as I was.
I need to lose another 40 lbs before I can even begin to feel happy with my weight again, I just live my whole life trying to hide away because I'm so embarrassed by what I've become.
New Year Resolution: become vegan again.
I was vegan for a few months back when I was in sixth form (well vegan except for binge food which I purged; I was so bad with binges that I broke a lifetime of vegetarianism in a binge/purge of a chicken wrap because it was just there and I couldn't stop eating).
But it did help me with cravings and snacking. It made me stop and reconsider everything that I ate: check the ingredients, check the calories. Can I eat it? Probably not, Do I need to eat it? Definitely not.
I need that control and strength back in my life.
I need to lose weight.
Hope everyone is doing well and are happy.
Do you guys have any resolutions for the new year?
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