Boxing Day

Christmas was disgusting.
I was so hungover; 10 beers and 4 gin cocktails were not the planned drinks I went out for.
Was feeling too ill to eat much of the Christmas lunch, but that didn't stop me stuffing my face later in the day when my stomach settled somewhat.

I'm terrified to weigh myself, I feel as though I must have gained about 10 lbs in the past week of mindless eating.
I can barely stand to look at myself anymore, I'm hideous and I need to sort my life out. My sister is home for Christmas and she's lost loads of weight. I used to be smaller than her, but now she's so much smaller and it makes me so angry. I literally can't stand being near her anymore.

This past week has made me realise how alone I am. I've stopped making the effort to keep speaking to my ex (the one who is cheating on his current girlfriend with me); he's clearly been too busy with her to even care. I saw a snapchat of them together on Christmas day, looking happy.
Maybe he can be happy with her, maybe he does actually care about her despite constantly cheating on her. Either way he clearly couldn't care less about me and my feelings, so I need to move on and stop going back to him every time he wants to use me.

I just want to matter to someone, I miss the closeness and having someone there to keep my mind from spiraling into darkness at night. I guess once I've lost weight I can worthy of someone's time and attention again. Maybe. Or maybe I'm just a terrible person who is destined to be alone forever..

Christmas Eve

Hello everyone,

Sorry I disappeared for a month. My motivation and dedication just isn't as strong as it used to be, I feel like such a failure.

This morning I weighed in at 1 lb heavier than I was a month ago, so my 1 month challenge was a complete and utter failure.

The only good thing that has happened to me all month was meeting my beautiful best friend, who I met through blogging years ago, when I used to actually be a success and lose weight while I blogged. Unlike the fat, disgusting, lazy failure I've become now.
Was so wonderful to see her, spending the day getting drunk in London, without even having to think about food the whole time we were there because we could keep each other strong.
Love you so much darling, I wish we lived closer so every day could be as wonderful as Monday was.

1 week until 2016, and I've lost only about 20 lbs all year. That sounds like a substantial amount, but my BMI is still pushing into the overweight range, it's not an achievement, just me not being quite as obese as I was.
I need to lose another 40 lbs before I can even begin to feel happy with my weight again, I just live my whole life trying to hide away because I'm so embarrassed by what I've become.

New Year Resolution: become vegan again.
I was vegan for a few months back when I was in sixth form (well vegan except for binge food which I purged; I was so bad with binges that I broke a lifetime of vegetarianism in a binge/purge of a chicken wrap because it was just there and I couldn't stop eating).
But it did help me with cravings and snacking. It made me stop and reconsider everything that I ate: check the ingredients, check the calories. Can I eat it? Probably not, Do I need to eat it? Definitely not.
I need that control and strength back in my life.
I need to lose weight.

Hope everyone is doing well and are happy.
Do you guys have any resolutions for the new year?

A month to go

One month until Christmas Eve.
One month to lose as much weight as physically possible.
I weighed myself this morning and it was hideous.

I want to lose at least a stone by Christmas Eve, starting it off with a fast day today. I'm working 12-7 then I'm hoping I can just sleep all evening; since me and my boyfriend broke up, my social life has just crashed and burned. It's pathetic how few friends I have left in this city. Ah well my friends who went off to university will be back in a few weeks, I bet they've all lost a load of weight, I need to try and get back down to an acceptable weight by the time they're back.
I can't just keep eating and thinking that it's okay for me to weigh this much, it's disgusting.
I'm disgusting.

I bought a Primark Christmas jumper yesterday, and it didn't fit, I bought a purposely large size and it still didn't fit over my deformed body.
I wanted to rip it up and cry and cry.
I don't know whether to take it back, or keep it as a constant reminder of how hideous I am, and how much weight I have to lose.

At least it's freezing now, so I can hide behind layers and layers of wool and try to pretend I'm not a monster draped in cloaks of fat...

Back

Hey,

Sorry I disappeared for a bit, my intake wasn't as good as previous days so like the coward I am, I hid from the world and hoped no one would look at me and notice how massive I've become.
But I can't keep doing that, I'm going to need to come out of the shadows one day, and I need to be skinny to do that.

I was supposed to be meeting my ex today, for our continuing failed attempts at staying friends. The past week we've mostly communicated in drunken late night conversations and meetups; which as I'm sure you can guess, hasn't really helped at 'stay friends and not act like you're still together'.
Today was going to be a sober meeting, but when I messaged him as a reminder of our plans, he was blunt as fuck in his reply.
So I just left it, I never responded to his rude message, and he never asked me why I didn't meet him,
I can't even keep one friend, one stupid shitty friend who only met me when he was bored anyway.
I'm clearly just completely fucking worthless.

I need to starve until I can be worthy and tiny and wanted again.
I need to starve until maybe I can learn to love myself again; and maybe become worthy of love.

Small wins

Hi all,

Yesterday wasn't quite the success I had the day before.
My recorded intake was 249 cals. Which included eating basically a spoonful of pickle; the taste is still haunting me.
But at about midnight I kinda lost my mind and went on a mini binge (sorry I didn't tell you Rayya, I was just so ashamed). I had a handful of sea salt crisps, then a crispbread with cheese and fucking sour cream and chive dip on it, then a bagel with more cheese and pickle. Oh and a handful of salted peanuts.
I haven't calculated the calories for this binge because I'm just so disgusted with myself. I went to bed feeling full and like the biggest failure in the world.

This morning I weighed and by some miracle, despite my greediness, I lost another 1.2 lbs.
I'm now 0.8 lbs away from my first goal weight.
5.8 lbs away from the weight I desperately want to be by Friday, the weight that will knock my BMI down another number.

I met my ex very briefly yesterday, we were supposed to be going to his to watch American Horror Story, in an attempt to stay friends. But he cancelled this saying he was ill.
I was so pissy and blunt in my replies that he said he'd meet me for a bit, and to be fair to him, he looked and sounded really bloody ill.
We've rescheduled our netflix (and hopefully no chill) session to Wednesday.. I wonder how much more weight I could lose before then..

Apparently he's out on Friday, and so am I because it's a colleague's birthday night out. I really hope I can at the very least get down 5.8lbs by then. If I means I don't eat a thing between now and then, it'll be worth it.
I can't help but feel that if we're both drunk and forced to spend time together (mutual friends so I'll have to spend the night in his company) that maybe something will happen with us. As long as he doesn't get with someone else in front of me..

Ah well, I should be worrying about losing weight, not fretting about exes who won't want me until I'm skinny again...

Day 2 of the new me

Morning sweethearts,

I had the most successful fast I've done in months yesterday.
Under 100 cals, the only food that passed my lips was a small banana; I stuck to diet coke, water and black coffee the rest of the day. And of course the trusty ephedrine.

I lost 2.6 lbs overnight. 2.6 lbs.
I clearly have still got so so far to go, but as new beginnings go, I'm really fucking proud.
I was scared the number on the scale this morning would push me into a binge. Usually if I haven't lost enough I have a 'fuck it nothing works' moment and binge. But this morning the scale has made me feel so powerful.
I can do this.
I can fucking get my life back.

I'm meeting my ex later today. We broke up on Thursday because 'he still really likes me, but he likes his ex more, and it wouldn't be fair to be with me when he's still thinking about her'. That fucking bullshit that means nothing more than I'm just not good enough for him..
I'm not good enough for anyone.
But that can change, I remember 2/3 years ago, back when I was a successful starver, people used to actually like me. As up myself as this sounds, when I was skinny I was pretty. Random people I barely knew used to hit on me. They probably didn't want more than sex, but hey at least they wanted me in some way.
Now I'm just a fat nobody.

That's all going to change.

New blog, new me

Hi all.

I've been through all of this before; I can't pretend I'm new to this anymore, and that it's going to be easy and I'll be able to just never eat again without relapsing back into my bulimia.
So here's the new me, with no false hopes and expectations.
I know what I want, and I know what I have to do to get there,
Recovery didn't make me happy; it didn't make me healthy. It just made me fat and miserable and self conscious and eat my feelings because I had nothing else to cling onto to make me happy.

I've gained about 2 and a half stone in two years of 'recovery' and I no longer fit into my clothes or even have to confidence to wear half the clothes which do fit me.

Since my long term boyfriend who I was living with broke up with me; because I gained weight among other reasons; I have pretty much eaten my feelings. I didn't have him anymore, and I didn't want anyone else, so I lost myself in mindless binges to fill the emptiness.
After about 6 months of this I gained god knows how much weight, on top of the weight I'd gained when we were together... And so began the yo-yo diets. Losing 10 lbs in 2 weeks, only to gain it all back again with a week of binges.
This basically went on for a year, during this time I casually dated a few guys who made me wrongly feel like maybe I could be wanted and attractive. These guys made me forget why I didn't deserve food, they made me gain weight.
I was recently told by one of them that he only ever wanted me for sex; and when I said I didn't want to sleep with him, he told me to "fuck off and never speak to him again". Guess I knew that all along that I can never be worth anything...
Not at this weight anyway.

So here I am.. It's 3pm and so far all I've had is an ephedrine pill and a can of diet coke. I want to fast until I lose at least 5 lbs, and then restrict from there.

I'll try to update again tomorrow.