Christmas was disgusting.
I was so hungover; 10 beers and 4 gin cocktails were not the planned drinks I went out for.
Was feeling too ill to eat much of the Christmas lunch, but that didn't stop me stuffing my face later in the day when my stomach settled somewhat.
I'm terrified to weigh myself, I feel as though I must have gained about 10 lbs in the past week of mindless eating.
I can barely stand to look at myself anymore, I'm hideous and I need to sort my life out. My sister is home for Christmas and she's lost loads of weight. I used to be smaller than her, but now she's so much smaller and it makes me so angry. I literally can't stand being near her anymore.
This past week has made me realise how alone I am. I've stopped making the effort to keep speaking to my ex (the one who is cheating on his current girlfriend with me); he's clearly been too busy with her to even care. I saw a snapchat of them together on Christmas day, looking happy.
Maybe he can be happy with her, maybe he does actually care about her despite constantly cheating on her. Either way he clearly couldn't care less about me and my feelings, so I need to move on and stop going back to him every time he wants to use me.
I just want to matter to someone, I miss the closeness and having someone there to keep my mind from spiraling into darkness at night. I guess once I've lost weight I can worthy of someone's time and attention again. Maybe. Or maybe I'm just a terrible person who is destined to be alone forever..
I think this was the first year in some time that I didn't drink. I even bought a bottle of red, got given another one on the day, but they're still sitting on my bar.
ReplyDeleteIf you can, try to stay away from the scales for a few days. I use three days as a rule of thumb (I've read it takes 48-72 hours for food to, ahem, 'fully' digest). Drinking always messes with my weight too, though I can never predict if it'll be a gain or a loss.
Your ex sounds like an ass, to be honest. Unless they've got some sort of agreement/open relationship, he should be man enough to not constantly cheat on and hurt his partner. I agree, you need to move on. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but I don't want you getting hurt, and you know what they say - if he cheated *with* you, he'll cheat *on* you.
I'm in a similar but different situation at the moment. I keep clinging on to a guy who treats me like shit because I just miss having someone there, especially since mum's backed off from being my carer. When I was in an abusive relationship years ago, I always used to think "at least there's someone always there, even if only to hurt me". So I can really relate there :/
I know I'm not the chattiest/quickest at replying, but you know where to find me if you want to talk.
Lots of love <3
xxxx
Your ex sounds a bit like mine =/ chronic cheaters are awful.
ReplyDeleteYou are more than deserving of love and companionship <3 It sounds like the problem is the people around you, not you.
Happy New Year, lovely <3