Hey,
Sorry I disappeared for a bit, my intake wasn't as good as previous days so like the coward I am, I hid from the world and hoped no one would look at me and notice how massive I've become.
But I can't keep doing that, I'm going to need to come out of the shadows one day, and I need to be skinny to do that.
I was supposed to be meeting my ex today, for our continuing failed attempts at staying friends. The past week we've mostly communicated in drunken late night conversations and meetups; which as I'm sure you can guess, hasn't really helped at 'stay friends and not act like you're still together'.
Today was going to be a sober meeting, but when I messaged him as a reminder of our plans, he was blunt as fuck in his reply.
So I just left it, I never responded to his rude message, and he never asked me why I didn't meet him,
I can't even keep one friend, one stupid shitty friend who only met me when he was bored anyway.
I'm clearly just completely fucking worthless.
I need to starve until I can be worthy and tiny and wanted again.
I need to starve until maybe I can learn to love myself again; and maybe become worthy of love.
I fucked up royally the past few days, and swallowed a pack of laxatives to pay, which was an epic mistake, because I ended up eating even more trying to tame my stomach.
ReplyDeleteLook at it this way - tomorrow is the 24th. We have a month until Christmas Eve, a month to give ourselves a goal weight for Christmas day. I'm starting my MPF and an instagram photo intake diary tomorrow and I'm vowing to NOT DELETE ANY FUCKUP no matter how much of a fuck up it is (and believe me, yesterday there was a 200g chocolate bar at 10pm of all things...) - restart with me?
We can rock this. The only way out if tracking all the errors. It's the only way I stopped eating like this before, and by not going yoyo and trying to eat air all day long. we can lose and restrict. and we will win this bloody war xxxx
That's so inspiring I didn't even realise what date it was. I feel a bit calmer now, I love having set dates to work towards.
DeleteWhat's your instagram name if you don't mind me prying into it?
Cannot wait for this restart.
I've bought a new little notebook that I can carry everywhere with me, and use that alongside MFP to stay on track.
Thank you darling xx
You are worth so much more than you see, you don't deservet o be treated like shit. Your ex is a real piece of work, and you deserve so much better. I understand about not feeling worth enough, I am in that exact same boat right now. But I am always here and I love you. 💚
ReplyDeleteThank you so much..
DeleteHe messages me almost seconds after I posted this, I think he's been drinking.. but he said he was sorry we didn't meet today and wants to reschedule to later this week.
I guess I'll just see what happens, at least there's still the strong part of me that knows I don't deserve anyone, that stops me getting too attached..
Love you huni, you're not worthless at all, and I'm always here if you need me too xxx