Hi all.
I've been through all of this before; I can't pretend I'm new to this anymore, and that it's going to be easy and I'll be able to just never eat again without relapsing back into my bulimia.
So here's the new me, with no false hopes and expectations.
I know what I want, and I know what I have to do to get there,
Recovery didn't make me happy; it didn't make me healthy. It just made me fat and miserable and self conscious and eat my feelings because I had nothing else to cling onto to make me happy.
I've gained about 2 and a half stone in two years of 'recovery' and I no longer fit into my clothes or even have to confidence to wear half the clothes which do fit me.
Since my long term boyfriend who I was living with broke up with me; because I gained weight among other reasons; I have pretty much eaten my feelings. I didn't have him anymore, and I didn't want anyone else, so I lost myself in mindless binges to fill the emptiness.
After about 6 months of this I gained god knows how much weight, on top of the weight I'd gained when we were together... And so began the yo-yo diets. Losing 10 lbs in 2 weeks, only to gain it all back again with a week of binges.
This basically went on for a year, during this time I casually dated a few guys who made me wrongly feel like maybe I could be wanted and attractive. These guys made me forget why I didn't deserve food, they made me gain weight.
I was recently told by one of them that he only ever wanted me for sex; and when I said I didn't want to sleep with him, he told me to "fuck off and never speak to him again". Guess I knew that all along that I can never be worth anything...
Not at this weight anyway.
So here I am.. It's 3pm and so far all I've had is an ephedrine pill and a can of diet coke. I want to fast until I lose at least 5 lbs, and then restrict from there.
I'll try to update again tomorrow.
I've been through all of this before; I can't pretend I'm new to this anymore, and that it's going to be easy and I'll be able to just never eat again without relapsing back into my bulimia.
So here's the new me, with no false hopes and expectations.
I know what I want, and I know what I have to do to get there,
Recovery didn't make me happy; it didn't make me healthy. It just made me fat and miserable and self conscious and eat my feelings because I had nothing else to cling onto to make me happy.
I've gained about 2 and a half stone in two years of 'recovery' and I no longer fit into my clothes or even have to confidence to wear half the clothes which do fit me.
Since my long term boyfriend who I was living with broke up with me; because I gained weight among other reasons; I have pretty much eaten my feelings. I didn't have him anymore, and I didn't want anyone else, so I lost myself in mindless binges to fill the emptiness.
After about 6 months of this I gained god knows how much weight, on top of the weight I'd gained when we were together... And so began the yo-yo diets. Losing 10 lbs in 2 weeks, only to gain it all back again with a week of binges.
This basically went on for a year, during this time I casually dated a few guys who made me wrongly feel like maybe I could be wanted and attractive. These guys made me forget why I didn't deserve food, they made me gain weight.
I was recently told by one of them that he only ever wanted me for sex; and when I said I didn't want to sleep with him, he told me to "fuck off and never speak to him again". Guess I knew that all along that I can never be worth anything...
Not at this weight anyway.
So here I am.. It's 3pm and so far all I've had is an ephedrine pill and a can of diet coke. I want to fast until I lose at least 5 lbs, and then restrict from there.
I'll try to update again tomorrow.
I'm glad you posted - you are worth so much more - but I know how it feels, if only we were thin maybe we might be worth something.. Maybe we can get there and find out if we were right? Together x
ReplyDeleteLove you xx
We can do this; I finally feel like I have my control back.
DeleteWe can finally do this and become everything we've ever wanted.
Im with you all the way. Love you... Sadly I destroyed this morning but I'm starting from 8am. New blog. New mfp. New start. New me. New us xxxx
ReplyDeleteHi sweetie.
DeleteWe can do this, leave all the past mistakes and just focus on the future and what we can achieve.